My Five Rules for Parenting

There has been a lot of talk this week in the news about good vs. bad parenting. And it's gotten me thinking about my own rules of parenting. In the short seven years that I've been a mom here are the
five things that guide each day of parenting for me (I'm going to remind my future self to critique these in 20 years):

1. Love your partner.
2. Be the kind of person you want your child to grow up to be.
3. Little is as important as big.
4. Take care of your body.
5. Listen.

Working hard at having a strong, loving relationship that illustrates joy, commitment, problem solving, and shared history is one of the very best things you can do for a child. Our parents marriage teaches us about what marriage means - both for good and for bad so I try and always remember that this is the single most influential thing that I do to show my kids how to deal with people. Not everyone has a spouse or a partner, and I don't know how I would handle being a single parent. I hope I don't ever find out. But all I can think is that we all have relationships that define us - sibling, parent, other relative or friend - and when our kids think about us - my guess is they will think about how we interacted with this person.

I also always think about the big dreams I have for my kids and at some point in the last two years I realized I had to walk the walk not just talk the talk. This isn't as hard as it sounds. It can be as simple as working hard to BE a good sibling myself so that my kids can see I mean it when I say they have to take good care of each other. If you want your kids to be avid readers, you'd better pick up a book. This to me is the most cerebral part of parenting - I am always thinking about what my own actions are teaching my kids. I am a work in progress. We aren't always on our best behavior, but sometimes when we fail we are presented with even more opportunity. If I lose my temper (which happens and is different than yelling because your kids are about to do something dangerous, mean spirited etc. This is about the moments when you're angry about something else, overtired, sad etc and your kids pay the price), I always try to apologize. We can show that we aren't perfect, but we do have to be accountable for how we behave.

The little things we do each day, saying please and thank you, sharing our precious things, getting through the day, prayers at bedtime, these are the things that make up our lives. It isn't the few big events - the weddings, the graduations, the promotions, the accolades - it is the simple everyday ordinary moments. How we greet and treat the people we live with is truly who we are. So I made a big deal about how the kids treat and talk to each other, how they view sharing, how they understand giving and receiving, and what they view as the most important things. James started a tradition a few years ago. If you ask the kids what the most important thing is - I can guarantee they will answer "being good to your family." Someday we'll probably have arguments with the kids about this concept, but my hope and my prayer is that in the end it will be imprinted on their hearts. Life is totally unpredictable.

We do not know when our time is up, but I think about how grateful I am that my dad got a second chance in his 50s to change his life (I am also grateful for the drugs that probably saved his life). My dad's had the chance to walk me down the isle, know my husband and hold my children. Quitting smoking, watching his diet and making moderate exercise a part of his life has helped keep him around and I am grateful. We don't often get second chances, so we do the best we can with the bodies we have, I feel we owe that to each other.

Listening is a funny thing. It should be easy - it often isn't. But what I believe is that if we open our ears (and our minds) to the world around us - we make our own impact. How does listening impact?
Seems counter-intuitive? I remember in high school talking politics and religion with my dad. I knew he had his opinions, but the best way he shaped mine was listening to what I had to say.

With The Big Picture Project, I cannot tell you how often I feel like just sitting with someone as they are working out their worries, makes more of an impact than anything I could do or offer. Trust that other people have smart, insightful things to say and teach us. We are never to old to stop learning. Parenting is much harder, much more intellectual than I expected. I genuinely fall into bed thinking about how I did that day. Sometimes I am pleased, sometimes I'm glad I get to try again the next day. But in the end, if I honestly do my best for the kids (which is not always my best for myself) than in the end, I think it will turn out all right. Getting kids dressed, bathed, potty trained and to bed are the simple things. The hard work is raising people we can trust will leave the world a better place.