Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Great Divorce: 7 Ways to Compassionately Support a Family


Guest post by Elizabeth Eilers Sullivan. Sometimes the view from the horizon is cloudy, murky at best. This essay deals with how to reflect the best kind of light into the darkness. -BTH

I was at lunch the other week with two girlfriends I deeply admire and love, and our kids. I was feeling blissed out at my good fortune to be with them during the day while our olders were still in school. We were catching up on life between bites of macaroni and cheese, hummus, and wiping spilled water glasses that kept falling like blessings abundant and freely. When the topic turned toward a couple in our community divorcing. A disparaging remark was made about the one, and something inside of me came to a rapid boil. It was a moment where the record screeches on the turntable and things slow way down (this analogy dates me, but I lack another). For me, I froze and then spoke with conviction I did not know I harbored (frankly my strong reaction surprised me):

"First off no one knows what goes on in a marriage and that ‘crazy’ person is married to one of my sibling's childhood friends, so I would appreciate you not calling them crazy no matter the rumors. And, to speak toward the rumors, I want them stopped. It helps no one. I do not want to know their drama. The mere act of divorce is drama and trauma wrapped up in one, especially when there are kids involved. And for the kids, speaking of a kid who comes from divorced parents in this community, I know what was said about my parents when they chose to divorce after five kids and twenty-five years of marriage. It hurt. It hurt me. It hurt them. I watched it hurt them. I watched their couple friends chose sides and fracture a split situation further. I watched my parents turn inward away from us because they not only had to deal with their private pain but the public pain that came with this major event. And, the rumors, the gossip, the false concern helped no one. So I want it all stopped. And, my parents divorce was 'amicable;' an oxymoron at best." 

Broken down what appears to be a rant, but I hope was heard with deep love for myself, for her, for all of us to rise above what can be the a messy and painful horizon goes like this.

Seven steps to help a family going through a divorce:
1. Assume you know nothing of their marriage, even if you think you do, you are not living under their roof.
2. Do not pass judgment. Divorce is sad, tragic and a longitudinal life long event, it shifts the way a child lives out their life with parents and parents live out their lives with their kids at every milestone. 
3. Divorce is not a short cut, especially when kids are involved. It is a different way of handling daily problems big and small with your partner, you either do it under one roof or two.
4. Discernment is not done in a state of desolation. Sometimes even with the pain, divorce is the answer, sometimes it seems like it is the answer and it is not. Only a couple who carefully and faithfully discern whether divorce is their answer will know. It is advisable not to discern in a state of desolation—(St. Ignatius describes desolation where you are excessively anxious and cut off from others, being invited away from love for themselves, God, and others).
5. Do not gossip, swap stories, or spread rumors. They only hurt the couple trying to sort it out and their kids. This hurt prevents reconciliation on any level: remaining married or otherwise. 
6. Do not choose sides. Remain neutral. Remain friends with each spouse, and go out of your way to love up their children and them—a tall order, but worthy of the challenge. 
7. Lastly, keep your mouth shut, your heart open, and pray for guidance. Enough said.
Rise above the horizon. 

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