On Marriage (an open letter to my children)

I'm writing this to you today because by the time you care about reading these words, you'll know how this upcoming vote will have turned out. You'll have the perspective that the passing of time offers. I don't know if you'll agree with us. I don't know how the world will look from where you are sitting at that point, but it is important for me to tell you that we've never taken the subject of marriage and family lightly, that we have reflected deeply on what is happening around us.

In a few weeks, the state of Minnesota will hold an election. As part of the election, the government is asking voters to define marriage in our constitution as a union between one man and one woman. We are not the first state to have this kind of vote - and the states before us have all passed these kinds of voter referendums.

Your dad and I have what lots of people think of as a traditional life. We married young, we are practicing Catholics, we've welcomed kids enthusiastically into our lives (you're welcome). Dad works and Mom stays home (for the most part). We pay our bills, pay our taxes, vote in every election, volunteer at school, at church and in our community. We are a forever marriage. I have no doubt about that.

Sexuality is something that people often have a hard time talking about - partly because it is private and partly because it is sacred. But as your parents, it is something that we believe is important to talk about, to think about and to understand.

Dad and I believe that God made each of us in God's own image, which is something that seems impossible to fully grasp. It is too big a concept to understand. Since creation, people have been trying to find ways to simplify it into words or concepts that the masses can understand, but I'm confident we cannot get it right. We are not meant to know all things, to see all things, to fully understand all things. That is the crux of faith. We must trust God without being sure of all the answers.

I have watched all four of you take your first breath of air. It is miraculous - simply miraculous. I think of you all as presents we waited for breathlessly. We didn't pick out characteristics, gender, temperament. We just received you into our lives and felt immense gratitude. I know that you are all different - so different - from each other, even though you've all been raised by the same parents, housed in the same home, schooled in the same places. But - I have never doubted that you are unique reflections of an omnifaceted God.

We believe part of that reflection of God is your unique and precious sexuality. Most people are heterosexual, but some are homosexual, and it is our belief that they are both reflections of - and gifts from - God.

This belief goes against what our current Catholic Church teaches. For a long time, we've been listening to our church leadership speak about the dangers of embracing equality in our understandings of sexuality. The church currently believes that homosexuality is a sin and should never be acted upon or encouraged.

This is all very tricky for your dad and me. We believe sexuality is precious, nothing to be exploited or used lightly. We believe in monogamy. We believe that sex is meant to be shared as a connection between two people who love and respect each other. Sex is certainly not the most important part of marriage, but it absolutely is a big part. It is a part that has to be nurtured like anything else. It's hard for people to be honest about sex - it make us uncomfortable to talk about it. But the truth is that God created sex just like everything else. As long as we're treating ourselves and our bodies respectfully, we shouldn't feel shameful about it.

And so that has led us to struggle with the church. But let me be very clear: we struggle, but we do not lose faith. The church is a reflection of our humanity. It is a growing, living and changing entity. It is not a building or a city in Rome. It is a collection of tiny reflections of God. But we are not God. We make mistakes, and our understandings change with time. Our interpretations also change as our knowledge base expands.

Many people would lead you to believe that the world is spinning into a dark and dangerous time, but Dad and I believe the opposite. Our world actually values life and love in a much more significant way than it did 500 years ago. We are starting to see that we are partners in this world with cultures very different than our own. God gave us this one planet - this one life. We are starting to see it for what it is - a diverse and beautiful collection of people rooted together by our very creation, by our first breath of air. Absolutely there is sin and darkness in the world, and as we said at your baptisms, your charge in this world is to see through the darkness, to find the light, in fact to be the light.

When I was a child, the church was going through the final process of allowing for girls to become altar servers. It had been forbidden for many years, but as the church's understanding of women's roles evolved, eventually girls were allowed to serve mass with a priest. Still today, the language of the church allows for a priest or a bishop to refuse to have female altar servers, but they are not forbidden to do it anymore. This may seem like a small change, but it shows that the church is open to evolution.

I believe that discussing the value of marriage is incredibly important, and we agree that many people do not treat marriage with the selfless determination and perseverance that it deserves. Marriage is not easy.  It requires us to compromise, to elevate and to hold ourselves to higher, better standards. It is nothing to enter into without a willingness to work harder and be better than you are today. It is not something to enter into without finding the right person to marry and without being the right person to marry.

Yet much of this current political and religious discussion of marriage isn't about those things. It's about fear that same-sex marriage could be taught in schools, that it could become illegal to not give benefits to same sex couples, that businesses and schools might be fined for embracing same-sex parents. The ads all talk about these terrible consequences. As a parent, I am supposed to be afraid that you, my kids, might think being gay isn't the end of the world. Well, I've prayed long and hard, and I am not afraid.

In the end, behind the ads and the signs and the letters, it's about a belief that some people are born more sinful, more flawed and less in the image of God than others. It is about the belief that some people are made lesser. No matter how I approach the arguments, I can't get past that truth.

Each day I pray. I open myself up to what God might need to show me, to what I need to do and change about the choices I am making. And every day the call has become stronger and louder that we need to stand up for what we know in our hearts. We are called to be God's gentle reach and voice in this world, even when it is uncomfortable, even when it is hard.

Whatever your orientation, dad and I expect you to treat your sexuality with the reverence and respect it deserves. We believe in long term commitment. We believe in marriage. And we hope that when you are old enough to commit - and if you choose to get married - that all people, regardless of sexual orientation, will be able to join you. We posted a sign, we've taken a stand, we will vote No.